POSITIONS VACANT. IMMEDIATE START FOR RIGHT CANDIDATE -
Seeking sporadically motivated individuals fundamentally lacking direction. Those possessing definite future career aspirations need not apply. Similarly, individuals equipped with any of the following qualities would be deemed unsuitable and are discouraged from expressing interest in the position:
*a consistently pleasant and amiable disposition displayed towards co-workers, clients and the general public alike
*drive and ambition; ability to identify goals decisively, implement strategies to achieve them, and persevere in chosen course of action without eventually inexplicably deciding to abandon said goals (irrespective of resources and time already expended) in favour of another apparently superior option
*undistorted perception of own abilities and worth as an employee, member of society and ambassador for the human race; void of an unwavering conviction that you are fundamentally flawed, malfunctional, defunct and superfluous as a person
*reliability and punctuality, arriving for work on-time and for every designated shift - assigned work hours are not confused with co-workers’ and (in the case of those employed on a casual contract) ‘sick’ days are extremely rare and always accompanied by adequate notice so as to allow an alternative employee to be contacted
The ideal candidate would, conversely, possess the following attributes:
*a palpable contempt for the majority of society and the ways in which fellow members of society are contributing to the evolution of humanity through their conduct and personal values espoused
*a distinctly maladjusted approach to interaction with others, often unintentionally failing to adhere to social convention and conform to established protocols e.g. failure to maintain eye contact; an aversion to engaging in or subscribing any worth to everyday conversation or ‘small talk’; answering phone calls or responding to text messages potentially resulting in interaction with friends or acquaintances
*lack of professional presentation due to an inability to pay proper attention to basic maintenance of personal health and well being, characterised in chief by: irregular sleeping patterns, fluctuating diet (eating habits often reaching extremes in hyper- and hypo-nourishment with no foundation in actual physical requirements, instead being triggered by changes in mental and emotional state), unreliable and haphazard personal hygiene practices in cases where effort extending beyond basic bathing is expected e.g. shaving of legs, plucking of eyebrows, concealment of blemishes and other facial irregularities through cosmetics application, brushing of hair etc.
Flexible hours, good conditions, disproportionately high hourly rates, lack of infuriating incompatible co-workers and unconditional continued employment regardless of potential deterioration in future personal conduct guaranteed.
Send CV and what will realistically be that same generic cover letter you always use detailing why you would be suited to this and hundreds of other positions to address listed. Please do not attach photo(s); applicants will not be judged on the basis of appearance or attractiveness, though those with large noses, high foreheads, occasional-depending-on-the-angle double chins and badly dyed hair comprised primarily of split ends are often favoured. Only successful applicants will be contacted.
(Quelle: pleonasmus)
